Living With Metal Illness: It's Not All It's Cracked Up To Be
By Donna K. Lay, MS, LPC, CCMHC

Chapter Three: The Hole That Won't Be Filled

As infants, all humans have basic needs. These needs include safety, love, and food. When these needs are met on a regular basis, the result is a child who feels secure in the knowledge that he/she is worthy of being protected from harm, is cherished by the caretakers, and that they will receive adequate nourishment. This child has the capacity to grow into a responsible, caring adult who is able to provide conscientious care for their own children.

According to the evidence, my oldest daughter did not have her basic needs met prior to her coming to live with us. Her conduct seems to indicate she has the basic belief that she will not and does not deserve to be protected from harm, loved, or fed. It almost seems as if she has a deep black hole in her heart that she keeps begging others to fill. Unfortunately, my husband and I have been unable to accomplish that daunting task, no matter how hard we have tried. I'm not really sure that anyone, even her biological parents, could fill it at this late date.

Because she so firmly believes in she is not worthy of being loved, she constantly pushes away anyone who tries to show her love. It's as if she is thinking "My own parents didn't love me so how can you? I don't deserve it." This pattern of thinking is shown in the following behaviors: defiance and anger towards people who do show her that they care, and caustic, rude comments whenever anyone is nice to her. Remember, she does not believe she deserves to be loved and nurtured.

A good example of this is when my daughter complains about what my husband is fixing the family for dinner. No matter what he is fixing, it is never good enough. Another instance is found in the following: When I noticed that my daughter was deliberately picking fights with me as the date of her birth neared, I asked her if she felt angry that I was here and her biological mother was not. She answered "Yes!" No birthday party or gift, no matter how extravagant, can replace that.

An unfortunate side effect of this behavior is that it tends to alienate the very people who do try to love this child. The more the child tries to push away all who attempt to show them love, the more unlovable they seem to everyone. Thus, the belief of being unworthy of love becomes even more entrenched in everyone's minds.

My own daughter seems to devote most of her energy to pushing my husband and me away from her. It seems that she is not satisfied with anything we do for her. When I buy her a new coat, she doesn't like it. If I get her nice doll, she tries to destroy it. She has even told my husband and me that she wishes she did not live with us anymore. Her efforts to drive me away from her sometimes succeed, temporarily. Many times I have been tempted to just walk away and never come back. With God's help, I never have, but it has been so tempting sometimes.

Just because I know why she is trying to push me away does not mean that it is easy to love her and stay. In fact, I have, on occasion, told her that her insulting words and insolent behavior towards me make me want to leave. I ask her if this is what she wants me to do and she always tells me no. I ask her if she is angry that her real Mom did not stay, and she always says yes.

In fact, she often tells me, in her more enraged moments, that she intends to search for and find her real Mom when she is grown up. If I try to soothe her by assuring her that this is all right, and that I will even help her, she informs me that she does not want my help. The sad fact is that she should not have to search for her mother, no child should. No child should have to believe that she is not worthy of love. All children need to be shown that they are lovable, and worthy of being protected and nurtured. If the child does not experience this unconditional love prior to the age of two years, they are unable to develop a healthy self-image. They are emotionally scarred and tend to render the same treatment they received to others. Thus, a harmful, cycle of angry, unlovable people who are incapable of showing love to their own children is created. In its wake is left a trail of broken human beings who just want to be cherished by others.

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Copyright by Donna K Lay
Library of Congress: TXu 934-671