"How about some help
here!" Jack yelled as he stepped through the Gate.
Leaning heavily on Jack's
shoulder, Teal'c limped, a rough bandage swathed one thigh, his other
arm in a green sling.
The Gate slurped again,
revealing Carter and Dr. Jackson, both sported injuries.
"Medical to the Gate Room!"
Hammond stood at the ramp and gaped. "What happened?"
Jack grimaced. "Landslide."
"This is a first, Jack. Everyone's hurt but you."
Teal'c grunted as he was helped to a gurney.
Jack smirked. "I'm off
for a well-deserved shower while Fraiser treats my team, sir."
Hammond nodded. 'You earned it, son."
***
Jack shed his grubby
BDU's and flung them in a hamper. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he
grabbed his soap and headed for the shower. He turned the spigot and
stood, face-up, as the hot water waterfalled off his face.
"Where's the danged washrag?"
His water-filled eyes peered around him. Missing.
"Crap."
One hand planted on the
wall to steady himself, the other clutched the soap. When the slippery
soap squeezed through his fingers and splashed onto the floor, he
stooped to retrieve it. Unable to hold onto the tile wall, Jack slid and
scrabbled, landing on the floor.
***
Droplets of water
trickled down the tiles and puddled around a body collapsed facedown by
the shower drain. The face, turned to one side, leaked crimson from a
scraped forehead.
Dr. Fraiser reached
trembling fingers toward the neck and rejoiced to find a pulse.
"How did this happen?"
Then she saw the culprit,
a bar of soap nestled next to one unnaturally twisted arm.
A moan confirmed what the
pulse already told her. "Colonel?"
As he raised a shaky hand
to his forehead, each muscle glistened in the steamy haze that
florescent lighting stained ruby.
"Crap," he muttered. "Washed out."
***
Searing light to the eyeball shattered the darkness.
"Get that thing away from
me," muttered Jack as he batted weakly at Janet's arm.
"Hold still, Colonel while I check you out."
Jack blushed. "Could I at
least have a gown?" Goosebumps appeared on exposed flesh.
A tittering female voice confirmed his worst fears.
"At ease, Lieutenant,"
admonished Fraiser. "We're all professionals here."
Jack opened one eye and
glared at the assembled female nurses. "Don't you have jobs to do?"
"Yessir," they chorused, but didn't leave.
"Let's get him dried off," Janet ordered
Towels magically appeared, held by smiling nurses.
"Doc!"
***
The rate of mechanical beeping increased exponentially to the number
and proximity of female nurses.
Jack's eyes widened in disbelief. "Hey! Back off!"
"You need to calm down,
sir," crooned Fraiser. "No one will hurt you."
Mechanical beeps showered
his beleaguered senses. "And shut that danged thing up!" His voice rose
in pitch as he ripped the pads off his chest.
"Ow!" He grumbled, rubbing the now-hairless patches.
"Can't you leave me alone?"
Scrambling off the bed,
he yanked off the sheet to cover his "assets".
He wavered and then
collapsed into a puddle of intermingled bare flesh and sheet.
***
Jack slumped in his bed,
asleep, a bandage on his forehead testament to previous misadventures.
When Hammond and Fraiser appeared he opened his eyes.
"Can someone tell me what the heck is going on?"
"We were hoping you'd
tell us, Jack," answered Hammond, his voice full of concern.
O'Neill squinted around
his headache. "I remember taking a shower - then nurses?"
Fraiser looked
uncomfortable. "I sent a sample of the soil from your uniform to our lab
for testing. Apparently, it has hallucinogenic properties which caused
you to experience paranoia."
Jack looked puzzled. So the nurses didn't...?"
"Didn't what, sir?"
"Nothing."