The Asgard VIP by dinkydow

Part Three

On-board Tanith's Ship:

I opened my eyes and realized that it wasn't just another one of my many bad dreams. I really was lying on the floor, in a Goa'uld cargo ship. I could feel the floor vibrating under me, which meant that we were still in hyper-space. 'Crap!' Sighing, I levered myself to a sitting position and scrubbed my face with my hands. My gaze automatically swept around the room, searching for any significant changes. 'Nope, nothing had changed,' I thought grimly. I was still in the same featureless room. It amazed me that I had slept at all. 'Guess I must have needed it. Well, considering that yesterday hadn't exactly been the walk in the park that we had been expecting, I really shouldn't have been surprised.'

I fixed my gaze on my roommate, Teal'c. He looked like he had just finished a satisfying session of kel-no-reem. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor and leaning against the wall opposite from me.

"Morning, T," I greeted, grinning. "I see they haven't up-graded our rooms like I asked them to yet."

"I am glad you have awakened, O'Neill. Nothing momentous has transpired since you fell asleep." I sighed in frustration.

"I guess this means that Thor hasn't zapped us out of here yet like he promised he would, huh."

"Indeed."

I was alluding to the promise made to me by a certain short, naked, gray guy who went by the name of Thor. Before falling asleep last night, I had confided in Teal'c that I had hope that we would both get beamed out of there soon. 'So much for that promise.'

"So, when do you think we can expect room-service?" I really wasn't looking forward to another visit from the resident Jaffa, not since our last little tete-a tete. Those guys seemed to have an unnatural fondness for pain sticks. 'Who ever had come up with the name "pain sticks" had been dead-on. Oops, bad choice of words, better not go there.'

"I do not know, O'Neill. However, I am certain that our presence here has not been forgotten."

"Yeah, big guy, you're right about that." Rising, I paced over to the doorway. I could see the force field shimmer, reminding me why we couldn't just walk out of there.

Perversely, I touched it with my fingertip, jumping when it shocked me. 'Yep, it was still working just fine.' I stood as close to the field as I could in order to get a better view of the scene outside our cell. I could see the Jaffa guard was still standing guard outside our cell.

Turning back to face the room, I walked over to sit down beside my comrade-in-arms. We were both barefoot and dressed in a plain sleeveless tunic and pants.

Surprisingly, we weren't tied up anymore, but still had those damn collars around our necks. Mine had already rubbed the skin of my neck raw. Our own clothing had been forcibly removed from us soon after our arrival on board. I had been hoping to keep our clothes due to the fact that I had hidden several weapons in various places.

I smiled when I remembered the astonishment mirrored in our guard's faces when they saw the amount of weaponry I had managed to hide. The weapons cache they had gotten off Teal'c had been impressive too. Too bad we hadn't been able to keep any of it.

I winced in pain and shifted around as a painful spot on my back rubbed against the wall. Both Teal'c and I were sporting matching burns on our torsos, courtesy of those nasty pain sticks. We both turned our heads when we heard the sound of marching Jaffa. Predictably, they stopped at our door. Teal'c and I rose and faced them, warily.

"Ah, room service?" I asked with a smirk.

"Kegalo, (silence) Tau'ri!" ordered the foremost Jaffa. "Our God has ordered the Tau'ri O'Neill and the Shol'va be brought to him."

"Your God is a false God," replied Teal'c sternly.

"What? No engraved invitations?" I quipped. Four of the Jaffa entered our cell and grabbed our arms roughly.

"Jaffa, kree sha!"

"Ok, ok, I'm coming. But, your etiquette leaves a lot to be desired. Emily Post just would not approve at all." I struggled to keep up my inane banter as we were both roughly escorted to Tanith's throne room. Trying to shrug off my guards tight grip, I gave Tanith my brightest smile.

"Still going with the 'Early Ostentatious Snake-Head' decor, I see."

"Kneel before your God!" ordered the First Prime.

"I refuse to kneel before a false god," Teal'c retorted. I smiled at Teal'c' before answering.

"Ditto." Suddenly I felt the back of my knees being hit hard by a staff weapon. Grimacing, I struggled to stay on my feet. I sensed my partner was receiving the same "encouragement." Slowly, the two Jaffa holding me forced me to my knees. Tanith sat watching us. His eyes started doing the glowy thing as he spoke.

"Hear me. You cannot escape me, Tau'ri O'Neill. It will give me great pleasure to give you to the System Lords. Together we will burn your home world and make hosts of the Tau'ri."

"Aww, for crying out loud, why must all you snake-heads speak such hokey lines?" Make a note to myself. Send memo to System Lords requesting they make their speeches more creative.

"Silence, Tau'ri!" Suddenly my body arced in agony as I was jabbed in the back with a pain stick. I slumped to the floor and curled on my side. 'God, those things hurt!

Thor, if you're going to beam me out of here, now would be a good time.' From my position on the floor, I could see Teal'c was still struggling against his captors. He had death in his eyes for the snake in front of him. Tanith smiled evilly. "The System Lord's will be pleased to receive my gifts of the Shol'va and Tau'ri O'Neill. I will make powerful allies."

'Crap, "The Snake-Head Social Club" again. I wonder which Head Snake he's taking us to?'

"I shall enjoy killing you, Tanith. I will take my revenge on you." I turned my attention to Teal'c as I struggled to my feet. He was straining against the three Jaffa who were holding him and had a dangerous look on his face. If looks could kill that snake would be toast. Then they hit him with that nasty pain stick and he screamed as he slumped to the floor.

"Silence , Shol'va! You will not speak again in my presence." Turning to his Prime, he said. "Take him away and teach him how to show respect for his God."

"False God," Teal'c uttered, as he was led away. He had about eight guards for his escort. I could see our reputation for being tough to handle had preceded us. That left me with seven guards standing in front of the Goa'uld. They had grabbed my arms again.

"So, heard any good jokes lately?" I asked flexing my shoulders. "Well, I have. The joke I'm hearing is you, Mr. System Lord Wannabe. The idea of you making any kind of deal with a Head Snake is a joke. You are so out of your league, Tanith. Playing around with them will only get you very, very dead." While they were distracted by my witty repartee, I quickly figured the odds for success if I made a break for it. 'If I could take out my two dance partners and grab that zat, maybe I could waste the snake in front of me. Let me do the math: carry the two, subtract the pain stick… Not good odds, but worth a try.'

Without warning, I slumped toward the floor and shoved my elbow into the face of the Jaffa on my right. But the pain stick caught me in the middle of my back before I could carry out the rest of my plan. I dropped to the floor writhing in pain. I felt each jolt as they stuck me again and again. The incandescent yellow energy from the blasts came screaming out of my eyes and mouth.

"Arrgh!" 'Shit, that hurt!' Then the pain stopped. 'Ooh, this was so not my day. On to Plan B.' I decided Plan B consisted of lying completely still on the floor as I attempted to catch my breath.

"You cannot escape me, Tau'ri," reminded Tanith. "While we are in hyper-space, the Asgard cannot find us. They will not help you."

'Crap, I was so hoping he didn't know about the locator thing in my arm.'

The guards grabbed my arms and pulled me to my knees again. One wrapped his fist in my hair while another one grabbed my jaw. Together they jerked my face up toward Tanith. He had left his throne and was now standing two feet in front of me. Smiling benignly, he began to circle me. Vainly, I tried to follow him with my eyes.

"You have important information from the Asgard," he purred. You will give to me, Tau'ri. After you tell me what I want to know, you will beg your God for death ."

I didn't answer him. What was the point? If I told him that I hadn't been given any information, he wouldn't believe me. Even though it was the truth, it wouldn't do me any good. If I were able to convince him somehow, that I really didn't know anything, it still wouldn't do me any good. Then, he would just dump me out the nearest air lock or put a snake in my head. And everybody knows how I feel about that. Never let ANYBODY put a snake in your head.

"When you have given me the secrets of the Asgard, I will present my new ally with the information along with my gifts of you and the Shol'va. Only then will I grant your request to die, Tau'ri. I will rip the symbiote from the Shol'va's pouch. Then he will watch as I make your body its host."

"You snake-assed bastard!" I screamed. "That would kill both of us. Junior isn't old enough for a host yet, and you know Teal'c will die without him."

"You will be the instrument of each other's deaths. How fitting. My ally and I will be very pleased to watch the Shol'va and Tau'ri O'Neill die." Well, at least we had some breathing room. He had told me that he had to keep us alive until he met with his friend.

"Know this, Tau'ri O'Neill, we will not grant you death yet. But you will beg us for it. Prepare him to meet his God. Return the Tau'ri to his cell."

"Jaffa, kree!"

On that encouraging note, I was half walked, half drug back to my cell. I was beginning to think of it as my "home away from home." Unfortunately, they didn't just throw me in there and leave. I had another session with the pain stick first. I lost track of how many times they jabbed me with that thing, but it was too many. They must have gotten tired of hearing me scream, so they finally left me alone. But, I didn't beg. I don't DO begging. After they were gone, I just laid there, curled up on the floor, moaning, as I tried to catch my breath.

"Those things should carry warning labels," I muttered. "Warning: this product can cause extreme pain if placed in direct contact with the body. Not to be used to jab defenseless Tau'ri."

When I awoke, I was still alone. I realized at some point, I must have dozed off from exhaustion. Either that or just passed out. I don't know how long I laid motionless, curled up on my side on the floor. They had taken my watch when they'd taken my clothes and weaponry, so I couldn't keep track of time. The days were beginning to blur, one into the other and I realized I couldn't remember how long we had been there. Tanith and his jolly bunch of Jaffa had paid me a visit again, I think. Of course they'd brought their pains sticks with them. Events were really starting to run together in my mind.

'Crap, that is definitely not a good sign, Jack.' Being subjected to extreme pain is hard work, believe me. It burns up a lot of calories when you get zapped repeatedly by a pain stick. Now wouldn't that be the diet craze to end all. 'I can see the headlines now. "Oprah loses 50 pounds on the Pain Stick Diet." That give a whole new definition to the phrase "No pain, no gain."'

After awhile, they dragged Teal'c back to our cell and threw him in. He didn't look so good. His tunic hung from his shoulders in tattered rags and I could see that they had been using Junior's pouch for a punching bag. At least Teal'c was unconscious for now.

I crawled over to his side to do a better survey of the damage they had inflicted on my friend. They had done a pretty thorough job of beating him. Junior was going to be kept busy repairing all those bruises. From the way he was breathing, he had to have some cracked ribs too. That was so not a good thing. Doc Fraiser would not approve of this at all.' Teal'c groaned and tried to sit up.

"Hey take it easy, T," I said as I struggled to help him.

"Are you well, O'Neill?"

"Yeah, I'm peachy, just peachy."

"I have failed you and must make amends, O'Neill."

"What do you mean?"

"I was entrusted with your safety by General Hammond. I failed at that task," he said softly. To cover my embarrassment and confusion, I awkwardly scooted over to lean against the wall. Teal'c rolled over and levered himself to a sitting position beside me. "I failed in my duty to protect you, O'Neill. You may punish me as you see fit."

"Aww, for crying out loud, Teal'c! Why would I want to punish you? Yeah, we got caught by the bad guys. So what. It happens to us all the time." I could tell that my words had not dissuaded him in his belief. "Read my lips, Teal'c. YOU DID NOT FAIL ME! If anything, I failed you. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here getting the crap beat out of you. So stop it with this guilt thing."

Teal'c just looked at me and then stared out into space, saying nothing. 'Crap. Not only do I have a roomie with a "Jaffa revenge thing" and a guilt complex, but now he's giving me the silent treatment. I HATE that! Come on, T, yell at me, call me names, anything. I can take that.'

Fortunately, we were interrupted by the Jaffa's version of the chuck wagon. They shoved the standard fare inside our cell: two bowls of some kind glop and bottles of water. 'Note to self: must introduce the Goa'uld to Julia Childs.'

"What, no after-dinner mint?" I yelled. They ignored me. Those guys just don't have any sense of humor at all. I drank some of the water, just a little. It felt good trickling down my parched throat. I guess screaming will do it to ya every time. Raising the bottle to Teal'c in a toast, I said, "Cheers."

I finally got a reaction from Teal'c with that gesture. He raised one eyebrow and copied me. Then he sipped some of his water. I picked up my bowl of mystery gruel and dipped my finger in it before touching my tongue to it.

"Eww! I've just downgraded this joint to a no-star hotel with a lousy chef," I grumbled. I decided I wasn't that hungry. 'At least Teal'c seemed to be entertained by my antics,' I thought. 'That's one way to keep our minds off the situation we're in.'

"Any ideas about getting us out of here, Teal'c?" I asked. 'It couldn't hurt to ask,' I thought. 'Who knows, maybe he'd spotted the fatal flaw in that snake head's plan. One could always hope, I suppose.'

My mind wandered and I must have dozed off again. Sheer exhaustion and extreme pain will do that to you. I could fall asleep or pass out anywhere, anytime. I didn't even have to lie down anymore.

"O'Neill, You must awaken." With a jolt, my eyes snapped open. What was happening? Then I realized what it was. The feel of the ship around us had changed and I could tell my teammate felt it too. "We are no longer in hyper-space, O'Neill. We may now be at our destination."

"That's just peachy," I muttered. 'But then again, if we were out of hyper-space, maybe Thor could get a fix on me and get us the hell out of this mess. That would be sweet.' I looked around hopefully. No sign of being beamed out yet. Since I couldn't count on Thor, I knew any plans of escape would be up to me and my buddy. In other words, business as usual. I cocked my head as I heard the sound of marching Jaffa in the hallway. Yep, right on schedule.

"Tanith must be pretty excited about delivering his 'gifts'. Well, I have news for that snakey-assed slime ball. This gift doesn't plan on cooperating with the delivery at all." I glanced at Teal'c. 'He knows what's coming too,' I thought.

I closed my eyes and made the deliberate choice of concentrating on my breathing, willing my heart rate to slow. 'No need to panic, Jack. Breath in, pause, breath out.

Think, Jack. Don't listen to those footsteps coming closer to your cell. Breath in, pause, breathe out. You'll think of something, Jack. You always do. Concentrate.

Breathe in, pause, breathe out. Think of something, Jack. Now would be a good time, Jack.' The footsteps stopped in front of our cell, as I had known they would. I opened my eyes and looked at Teal'c. He stared back at me and clasped my arm in his.

"We are brothers, O'Neill. We shall prevail, have no doubt." I acknowledged his sentiment with a nod of my head.

"Back atcha, Brother." With that, we both rose and faced the waiting Jaffa. "Come to change the linens, have you? Well, it's about time. Come on Teal'c, we mustn't keep the Head Snake waiting." That's me, always the smart ass.

"Come with us. Your God awaits you," stated the Jaffa as the cell's force field was disengaged. He had a zat in his hand. The contingent of Jaffa stepped belligerently inside, spreading out as they walked toward the two inmates. Expecting resistance, they positioned themselves strategically, cutting off all avenues of escape. They had brought two sets of manacles and leg irons to aid in the peaceful transfer of their "merchandise."

'Thor, good buddy, ole pal, now would be a good time to get us the hell out of here.' As if my thought were a signal, a bright light suddenly filled our cell. Instinctively, I grabbed my friend beside me. 'I can't leave Teal'c behind,' I thought. 'No one gets left behind, not on my watch. No way, no how.'

When the light cleared, and I could see again, I knew we had made it. Teal'c was standing next to me. The locator beacon thingy in my arm had worked after all. I couldn't see Thor, but the inside of his ship looked familiar. I could feel the vibration in the floor change, indicating we had moved into hyper-space. We were leaving behind two very pissed-off snakes and a bunch of very confused Jaffa. 'Sweet.' Suddenly, my knees seemed to turn into water as I slumped to the floor with relief.

Teal'c hadn't moved. 'God, that had been close.'

"I believe Thor has rescued us, O'Neill."

'Good ole Teal'c, master of the understatement.'

"Ya think?" I shot him a grin and, I swear he smiled back.

"Greetings, Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c. I will be with you both shortly," came from the intercom. "In the meantime, you may avail yourselves of the food and drink I have prepared for you."

"Couldn't you just bring me a beer and pizza?" I asked the air. "Make it an extra-large super supreme thin-crust with extra pepperoni and cheese. Please" I added, "And that's just for me. Teal'c, what kind do you want?" Teal'c bowed.

"I believe I will have the same, O'Neill. However, I do not wish to have onions. Junior does not like onions. They give him gas."

'Whew! Talk about shaving it close.' I could feel my body shaking as the adrenaline drained out of my muscles. I felt like laughing, but didn't know if I could stop once I started. My thoughts toward Thor alternated between wanting to hug him and knocking the piss out of him. If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have been in fix in the first place.

I heard a nearby door slide open and Thor appeared. I climbed to my feet as he walked toward us. 'It's coming,' I thought. 'The Grand Confrontation.' I wondered what he'd say. I wondered what I'd say. Would I hug him or strangle him? Hug or strangle? Hug or strangle? Decision, decisions.

"Colonel O'Neill, I feel I owe you an apology. I deeply regret that the actions of the Asgard caused you and your companions to suffer."

'Wow, what a speech! Crap. Now if I call him the names he deserves, I'll look like a heel.'

"Umm, yeah, apology accepted, I guess. Just don't do it again, OK? What about the pizza, Thor? Do they deliver out here?" I asked, rapidly changing the subject.

"I was unable to bring your pizza or beer, O'Neill. However, I have provided some nourishment for you,." he said pointing. I looked over to the spot he indicated. It looked like the standard fare of the Asgard. Nutritious squares and triangles. 'Yuck! I really could go for a pizza and beer right about now.'

"Ow!" Now that the adrenaline was gone, I was beginning to feel every single one of the bumps, bruises, burns, et cetera that those "pain-stick-happy" refugees from muscle beach had given me. On top of that, I stank and I needed a shave. The facilities at Hotel Goa'uld had left a lot to be desired.'

"Thor, I could really use a long, hot shower and a shave right about now. And some clean clothes. And shoes. Shoes would be nice, too. Did I mention the hot shower? Do you think you could swing that for me, huh? What about you, Teal'c?"

"I agree, O'Neill. I too would benefit from a hot shower. I regret to say that my present clothing is not adequate for my needs and needs to be replaced."

"I shall direct you to the proper area for those activities. I will also provide medical assistance for your injuries. I trust you will find everything to your satisfaction. Teal'c, O'Neill, follow me," answered Thor.

"What about the hockey game, Thor? Did you tape the game for me? I mean, it's the least you could do," Jack asked as they followed the gray alien out the door. I swear I heard the little guy snort.

It took us about five days to reach earth. During that time, Thor hooked me up to some machines that he said would help the healing process. I had some bad burns on my back and chest and a couple of cracked ribs. My knees weren't feeling real great either, thanks to those hits from that staff weapon. You know, the usual stuff. I didn't see much of Teal'c during the day. He was spending most of our down-time in kel-no-reem, giving Junior a chance to heal him. I was relieved he finally had a chance to do that. Those goons had really worked him over.

I spent the time limping, slowly, around Thor's ship doing my best to keep busy. I have never been good at waiting, and that was what I had to do now. I did talk Thor into making me a chess set and I practiced my juggling. I could now keep four balls in the air at once. 'At this rate, I'll be able to hire myself out for birthday parties.' I tried playing chess with Thor but didn't like it. 'I think he cheats.'

'I have to admit I had a reason for keeping myself busy. Busy hands meant that I wouldn't be thinking. I avoided doing a lot of thinking, because those thoughts so often led to places I didn't want to go. I wasn't sleeping very well, either. Sleep had become something to avoid. After I had screamed myself awake, I would always see Teal'c sitting next to my bed. Just knowing that he was there guarding me helped.

By the time we reached Earth's orbit, my ribs weren't nearly as sore as they had been, thanks to Thor's healing thingy. The burns from the pain sticks still weren't healed, but you can't have everything. That floating blue marble that is Earth brought tears to my eyes. I was so glad to see home. When we were on that ship, there had been times that I was afraid I would never see my home planet again.

To avoid confusion, and a few heart failures, Thor elected to contact General Hammond first instead of just beaming me and Teal'c directly to SGC. The General did seem pretty excited when he found out Thor had us. I guess he missed me. 'Sweet.'

Thor beamed Teal'c and me directly to the General's Office. I thought his office never looked so good as when I finally saw it again. I thought about giving the General a hug and a kiss, briefly. Very briefly. He seemed happy to see us. I wanted to keep it that way.'

Then the General turned us both over to the "tender mercies" of Dr. Fraiser. I think he had ordered her and her evil minions to wait outside his office in the hall. She tried to make us both make the trip using her gurneys but I refused. So did Teal'c. If we could make it all the way across the galaxy and back, we could damn well walk to the Infirmary. So we walked. Slowly, but we did it.

Carter and Daniel met us in the hallway too. I thought again about kissing and hugging. The thought lasted a little bit longer, but I quashed it. Daniel would have been embarrassed. As for kissing Carter, well, umm, yeah.

Carter and Daniel did their best to fill us in on everything that had happened while we were gone. They said we'd been missing for two weeks. I figured I must have lost some days somewhere along the way. Time flies when you're having fun.

I was pleasantly surprised at the number of SGC staff who were in the hallways while we were being escorted to the Infirmary. They all seemed glad to see us. Well, I was glad to see them too, at first. But, after awhile, I just wanted to go lie down some place quiet. I didn't feel like the conquering hero they were trying to make me out to be. I think Teal'c felt the same way. Heroes don't scream themselves hoarse, do they?

Dr. Fraiser seemed delighted to see us. After suffering through the first three hours of her tests and getting stuck with yet another big, honking needle, I could see why.

She must have been storing up all the pen lights, medical doohickeys, and needles she could get her hands on. Don't Doctors have to take some kind of Hippopotamus Oath about not harming people on purpose? The Doc admitted both of us. Probably hadn't gotten enough target practice with her needles.

Eventually, they left me alone and I could begin to relax. A heart monitor was still hooked up to me and I had an IV in one arm, but was used to that. I tried lying on my side, because of the burns. Carter and Daniel were sitting in those uncomfortable plastic chairs. They had put them between our beds, so they could see both Teal'c and me. I think they wanted to make sure we didn't disappear. I agreed with that sentiment whole heartedly. Carter was sitting in the chair next to my bed. She kept turning those lovely baby-blues on me. I gave her a smile.

"Thanks for being here, Carter." She smiled back at me but didn't say anything. She just patted my hand. That definitely felt good.

For the first time in about a month, I felt relatively safe. Maybe it was because of the happy juice the Doc had squirted in my IV line about ten minutes ago. Or maybe it was Carter's blue eyes. I just let my mind and my body drift, lulled to sleep by the sound of Daniel's drawn-out explanation about some rocks he had found. "Yeah, I know, Daniel, artifacts," I whispered as I my eyes closed.

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